What you need to know about Secondary Gain

“When we’ve finally had enough, and we can no longer take the pain of our situation one moment longer, we make a decision that things are going to be different, even if we don’t yet know how, and from that one decision EVERYTHING changes. And I mean EVERYTHING”. Kim Knight

A life changing opportunity awaits if you are ready…

If you’re experiencing stuckness, overwhelm, life crisis or an ongoing health complaint, how would it be if within 3 to 6 months from now your life was radically different? How would that feel? What difference would that make? 

In order to help you make this decision, I invite you to stop for a moment and ask yourself the following:

  1. If you’re currently experiencing stuckness, stress, anxiety, overwhelm or a chronic health issue, how is this impacting your ability to lead a normal life?
  2. If you stay exactly where you are, what will your life look like 3, 6, 12 months from now?
  3. If you resolve or make significant progress with this issue in the next 3 to 6 months, what difference will this make in your life? And how will that feel? What will you be doing differently in your life?

One of the most frequent comments I hear from people who are wanting a change in their circumstances are phrases like ‘I don’t have the time, money, energy’ etc…

But here’s the problem: if we don’t do something different, nothing changes, and we stay exactly where we are.

Interestingly enough, in every case, when we dig deep beneath the ‘mind reasons’ which feel so real and true, we find there is something else lurking beneath the reason our mind is giving us, which surprisingly have very little to do with the reason our mind is giving us:

In almost every case we find there is a hidden fear around change and what it will mean if our life changes in the way we are saying we want it to. In psychology we call this a ‘secondary gain’.

For example, if we start acting differently and stand up to our partner / parents / in laws / work colleagues… we fear ‘they won’t like me any more’ , and instead we find ourselves keeping our feelings to ourselves to ‘keep the peace’ and avoid feeling rejected.

Or we may prevent ourselves from getting well or clearing depression because deep down we are afraid of being truly happy or successful, because ‘what will other people think of me if I get better and am abundant and successful?’.

There are 4 core fears which prevent humans from being their authentic self

This relates to the fact that deep down there are 4 core fears which prevent humans from being their authentic self: the fear of losing someone, the fear of rejection, the fear of feeling our feelings, and the fear of feeling vulnerable. And underneath all of that is the fear of not being loved and accepted unconditionally.

So we find what really is stopping us taking action on our situation has much less to do with lack of money or time, and more about much deeper insecurities relating to being truly happy and successful. Sounds crazy right? But it’s true. And I know this from personal experience.

The pain of change must become stronger than the pain of staying where we are

I have also observed that not taking action to get the help we really need is often because we have not yet reached the point where we have absolutely had enough of our current situation and will do whatever it takes to change.This point must be reached before we take action. In other words, the pain of change must become stronger than the pain of staying where we are!

As the saying goes ‘the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result’.

At some point, we have to risk doing something new and possibly unfamiliar; we have to make a decision to do something different.

This will require that we step out of our comfort zone and do what may feel uncomfortable. And it is likely to stretch us.

Recently I worked with a client who signed up for private coaching, and then 2 days later got ‘cold feet’. However, we started working together, and just 3 weeks later she wrote to tell me how the fear which had arisen in her was just the fear of change, and how happy she was that she had pushed through the fear, and today her life is already radically changed after just a few weeks.

Often the lack of money also seems like the reason for not taking action.

But think about this for a second: if a dear family member, partner or child suddenly needed life-threatening surgery within 7 days, and the only possibility of survival was to find $20,000, or even $100,000, for a life-saving operation within a week, would you find the money? Of course you would! You would create a miracle to make that happen! But do we do this for ourselves? Hardly ever!

But when we’ve finally had enough, and we can no longer take the pain of our situation one moment longer, we make a decision that things are going to be different, and from that one decision EVERYTHING changes. And I mean EVERYTHING.

Take Phyl for example, who is 88 years young. She decided after 55 years of chronic fatigue and depression that she was simply NOT going to spend the rest of her life in pain anymore. She made a resolute decision she WOULD find a way to change, and would 100% commit herself to that change. She phoned me, said she wanted to do my online program, and bamm, 6 months later she was 90% recovered!

So what was it that brought the results? Firstly her absolute determination that she was going to change things, and secondly her commitment to following through with the advice and guidance she was given.

This was exactly how it happened for me too.

After 3 months of sitting on my couch after being diagnosed with chronic fatigue, unable to do anything, I decided one day NO, I will not live my life like this anymore. I WILL find a way to get better and I WILL do whatever it takes. That decision changed my life.

Whilst it took me several more years to find the solutions, I now short-cut the same level of transformation for most clients into just a few short months. 

The point is, this commitment to change is absolutely key to success. I have written about this more than once in several blogs (see the links further down) and talked about it in many videos: the decision to change, and do whatever it takes to get a different result, is the absolute first step in change. Without it nothing happens.

So if you can answer the following question with a resounding YES, then you are ready for change:

AM I READY FOR A DIFFERENT RESULT AND AM I READY TO DO WHATEVER IT TAKES TO GET THERE?

Are you ready to take absolute committed action to change what is turning up in your life right now? Do you want your life to look very different (and by that I mean better and even radically better) in just a few months from now?

If the answer is yes, then I can tell you the change you are looking for is possible, and sooner and quicker than you may ever have imagined!

SAY YES TO CHANGE NOW!

Medical Disclaimer: Kim Knight does not diagnose, treat, cure or heal any person or disease. If you require medical attention please seek out the relevant help.

Transformational solutions for optimal wellbeing

I believe there’s a better way – a much better way – to deal with most of the things that plague us including allergies, pain, fatigue, depression and even relationships. 
Click here to explore how we can work together >
Kim Knight Health

Comments 1

  1. “When we’ve finally had enough, and we can no longer take the pain of our situation one moment longer, we make a decision that things are going to be different, even if we don’t yet know how, and from that one decision EVERYTHING changes. And I mean EVERYTHING”. Kim Knight
    A life changing opportunity awaits if you are ready…
    I am ready, change is inevitable.

    If you’re experiencing stuckness, overwhelm, life crisis or an ongoing health complaint, how would it be if within 3 to 6 months from now your life was radically different? How would that feel? What difference would that make?
    In order to help you make this decision, I invite you to stop for a moment and ask yourself the following:

    1. If you’re currently experiencing stuckness, stress, anxiety, overwhelm or a chronic health issue, how is this impacting your ability to lead a normal life?
    I know that I can heal myself from Chronic Health Issues. That statement is not entirely accurate; truthfully, I believe I can heal myself, which is vastly different from ‘Knowing’, which is my own knowledge and believing is someone else’s.
    I feel that I was relatively safe in my earliest years. I feel that the birth of my sister 1 year and forty-five days after I was born, did not take from my feeling of safety, however, a year and forty five days after that when my brother was born and literally pushed me ‘out of the nest’ and replaced me as our father’s favourite. There were four girls and then the long awaited boy arrived. I was told that Mum could not cope with the three youngest, so I was sent to live with Grandma, the older two girls would be able to help mum with the babies.
    I think that was the beginning of feelings of being ‘a useless good for nothing’; “I was not even a boy”. I spent the rest of my life trying to show that I was as ‘good as’ any boy and better than most. But, I was ‘not’ my brother, regardless of how much trouble he got himself into.
    At seventeen year of age, I gave up trying and got married to the first boy who showed interest in me. The marriage lasted 13 years of lowliness and rejection.
    This is not the place to go into the issues that created what I am: It is enough to say In the last years before I left the marriage, I discovered that he was a homosexual and only went out with me because the police had started to get interested in him and that I would be his ideal cover. Hence after a 3 months engagement we got married and that secured his anonymity.
    My Father did not like him at all, and although it was anything but a happy union, I would not admit my mistake to my Father. The year that he would not allow me to travel to my Father’s funeral, was the year I discovered that he was having sex with his post primary Boys and girls. Apparently, I was the last to know… I lived in the outback of Northern Australia, without any friends of my own, but I knew I would have to escape.
    I made an agreement with an acquaintance to the effect that he would care for me and raise my 3 children as his own and I would give him a child and care for him. I asked him why? And, his reply being “I admire the way in which you have raised your children and would be comfortable with you raising mine.” So it was settled, I moved camp within two weeks. That was 48 years ago and we are still together and adhering to our unwritten contract.
    I can’t seem to be able to penetrate the years before I met the person who became my legal husband. Yes, one could say that ‘I was stuck.’ But for the past 20 years I have been trying to get myself out of the feelings ‘ of being a good for nothing that nobody likes.’
    2. If you stay exactly where you are, what will your life look like 3, 6, 12 months from now?
    It would be like another ‘Ground Hog Day’, same wheel, just a spiral that is so tight that I can’t notice any progress. Even my children, for the past 20 years think, I am past my use-by date, grand children learned the same attitude following their parent footsteps, now there are the great grandchildren, the oldest is now seven…
    3. If you resolve or make significant progress with this issue in the next 3 to 6 months, what difference will this make in your life? And how will that feel? What will you be doing differently in your life?
    I was born in 1943, and I can’t start to imagine how I would feel. When my eldest sister died, I drowned my sorrows, and before I went to bed I phone my brother and told him how I felt. I was ‘under the weather and a bit worse for wear’, I recall telling him he stole my father from me, but what I said through my tears did not reach my memory cells, so I have no recall of what I said.
    I probably would not be doing anything different, possibly living in much the same way with my husband born in 1932. While privately trying to understand why I was born a girl and attracted a homosexual first husband. There will be a difference though; I will feel liberated and content that at last I have discovered who I really am. I will not have any regrets of ‘What could have been’. I would be me at last. I can imagine writing: I, Valerie Joan, born a ‘girl’ in 1943; lived long enough to die a Proud Woman.
    AM I READY FOR A DIFFERENT RESULT AND AM I READY TO DO WHATEVER IT TAKES TO GET THERE?
    Are you ready to take absolute committed action to change what is turning up in your life right now? Do you want your life to look very different (and by that I mean better and even radically better) in just a few months from now?
    If the answer is yes, then I can tell you the change you are looking for is possible, and sooner and quicker than you may ever have imagined!
    SAY YES TO CHANGE NOW!
    “Yes!” I would like to grow into myself, within the bounds of my contract. We both talked about the 11 years difference in age and YES: I choose to allow change to occur so that I can be ‘ready’ when the time comes for me to live my life unencumbered and free from all hang-ups.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *